July 8, 2010 "I waited patiently for the Lord to help me, and he turned to me and heard my cry. He lifted me out of the pit of despair, out of the mud and the mire. He set my feet on solid ground and steadied me as I walked along. He has given me a new song to sing, a hymn of praise to our God. Many will see what he has done and be amazed. They will put their trust in the Lord."--Psalm 40:1-3 I have been worried that my posts sound negative and like I hate China, my daughter’s birth country. That is not the case; this has just been an amazing yet difficult journey. This is something that I thought I had prepared for, but have found it is not something that you can prepare for, no matter how hard you try. I don’t feel like I am expressing my thoughts and feelings adequately to let you know how hard the first couple of days were. Honestly, I look back now, and it is all a blur, but all of the emotions are still fresh. I feel like on top of the jet lag I was having post partum symptoms…I know that sounds crazy since I didn’t actually give birth, however, I was having the same feelings of not being “good” enough for the task ahead that I had after my boys were born. I can’t remember how much I blogged about Sunday and meeting Ruthie, but here is little run down so that you can maybe understand a little more about why we were struggling so bad, and this is also a way for me to remember later. ~We arrived at the Xian airport at 12 noon on Sunday. ~We went through customs with very scary looking Chinese military people. ~We met our guide outside the airport and headed into the city…the drive was about an hour. ~During the drive, Fay informed us that she would be picking us up at 3:30pm to go get the baby. ~Once we got the hotel and checked in it was approximately 2pm. ~We had not showered in close to 36 hours, not to mention sleep. ~We took really quick showers and dressed for the big occasion. ~We headed to the Xian Civil Affairs Office where we were to meet Ruthie. ~Once arriving, we met two other families who were there to meet their children as well. ~One family's daughter got there first and cried hysterically…in fact all you can hear on the video that Caryn took of me receiving Ruthie is this poor little girl crying. She was devastated. ~I forgot to mention that the office is on the 6th floor and not open yet, so all of this is taking place in the hallway beside the elevators. ~Ruthie comes out of the elevator with her orphanage director and her special nanny. ~She immediately comes right to me and never sheds a tear. She lets Jon Milledge hold her while I sign my name and Milledge’s name to countless pieces of paper that I have no idea what I signed because it was all in Chinese. I might’ve just signed my life and firstborn away to the Chinese government…who knows? ~The two orphanage ladies brought a huge bag of stuff for Ruthie and start going through it and try telling me what everything is…I have no idea now because I was in a fog. Thankfully, Caryn was listening! ~Ruthie’s special nanny has to say goodbye to Ruthie. It was one of the hardest things I’ve ever witnessed. She cried horribly and kept rubbing Ruthie’s face saying, “I love you Rui Rui, I love you! I will not forget you.” I will never forget that moment as long as I live. ~We finally go into the actual office, and I don’t remember what we did there. ~Then they bustle all of us into the van and say we are headed to get photos taken. We are driven to some back street building and have to go up stairs through curtains, down a long dark hall and finally into a photo studio to have pics taken that I don’t even know what they are for. ~We get back in the van, and Fay says she is going to take us to a supermarket to buy supplies for the baby. I’m wondering how I am going to buy supplies for a baby that I just met and don’t have a clue what she needs. I bought formula that she has yet to drink, diapers that fit pretty good, bottled water for us, and a stroller that she loves. I didn’t do too bad! ~We are then dropped off back at our hotel around 6 or 7pm to fend for ourselves. ~We get up to our room, and I’m trying to call my husband to let him know that he has a daughter, but my Verizon phone that was supposed to have an international plan on it tells me that my home number is not a good number. Then I try to get online to Skype him, and I can’t connect to the hotel internet. Thankfully one of the few English speaking people come to our room and fix it for me. ~Milledge finally gets to meet his daughter via Skype. He cries and I cry. ~Ruthie cries for the first time, and I hold her close for 5 minutes, and she is asleep. ~10 minutes later we are all in the bed hoping for sleep, but it doesn’t come. Instead, I laid in bed and cried all night, thinking what have I done and how in the world am I capable to raise this child that is now my responsibility. I decide in the middle of the night that I can’t do this. Little did I know that Caryn is awake in the bed beside me praying for me the whole time. ~Ruthie slept all night the first night and every night after so far! The next morning we get up and start the whole process of paperwork and photos all over again without much sleep and certainly no food and trying to take care of a precious baby that needs my best, and I don’t have much to give. I don’t know how jet lag affects others, but it affected me and Jon Milledge by being nauseated and having crazy thoughts like we can’t do this and we need a plane ticket home immediately. As you have read every day since, things have gotten better, and we are now enjoying China…all the sights, sounds and smells that go along with it. Don’t worry, I am madly in love with Ruthie, and now know with God’s grace I can be and will be her mother to the best of my ability! I included the scripture above today because Lindsey painted it on Ruthie’s name for her bedroom door, but also because this is sort of how we have felt this week. We were in a miry pit at the beginning of this week but because of your prayers we now feel that He has set our feet on solid ground, and we have a new song to sing! It has been so amazing to see God’s hand working here this week. My faith has been strengthened more this week than with any other experience in my life. We have asked friends and family to pray for specific things for the next day, and we awake to our prayers having been answered. Thank you, and thank God! Ok…enough with all that stuff, I just wanted to somehow try to paint the picture of why this has been hard. Today Ruthie’s cold is much better, and she is no longer fussing when it is naptime or bedtime! We think she has decided that we are ok and that life with us might not be too bad! She has become attached to one of the blankets that I brought and rubs it on her mouth when she is sucking her tongue to go to sleep. She does not like for her hands to be dirty at all! If she gets food or something on her hands, she shoves them in my face and says…”Da!” really loud. Not sure what DA means, but for us right now it means, "clean my hands crazy white woman!" So of course I do. She loves bath time and playing with Jon Milledge. She thinks he is the best thing since…well…fried rice! She can walk but prefers not to. She is not very steady on her feet yet, which I think might come from the fact that she enjoys being held, so we are working on it, but I do enjoy carrying her too. Last night after I wrote the post for yesterday, we ventured out to Walmart. We were able to get the bellboy to tell the driver where we wanted to go, and he delivered us there promptly for a fee of 6 yuan. Walmart was pretty much the same here as they are in America, as long as you don’t count the live reptiles available for purchase and the huge bin of shark fin that you could buy for shark fin soup. I enjoyed looking at all the interesting food and watching the people decide what they wanted to get for their families. It was very loud and crowded, but we could quiet them and part the crowd as soon as we turned any corner. According to our guide, most people in China do not know that China has an international adoption program. She said that she has been a tour guide for several years and didn’t know anything about Americans coming to China to adopt until recently when she was the guide for an adoptive couple. So, you can imagine the looks we get. My fear is that they are going to think that I have kidnapped her or something just as upsetting. Chinese people have no problem staring at you…for like a really long time to the point of being disturbing. Also, Jon Milledge says they don’t have any idea about personal space. The three feet personal space rule is not in effect in China. After we were finished at Walmart, I stepped out on the street, which is really not a good idea in China, and actually hailed us a taxi, handed him a card from the hotel, and rejoiced as he drove us right back to the front door of our hotel! We did it!!! I haven’t really spoken about the driving here. Actually, I’m not sure if that is an appropriate term. It is more like nascar meets bumper cars meets frogger with pedestrians being the frogs! It is the funniest and scariest thing I’ve ever seen. I commented to Caryn the other day that I didn’t know why in the world cars in China came with blinkers and/or mirrors…they are not used or needed. It really is a survival of the fittest…the bigger your vehicle is, the better for you. There are lanes on the roads, but I’m not sure why because everyone just merges on top of each other. Say you are driving in 5 lanes of traffic, and you are in the far left lane but your turn is coming up on the right…never fear, you just wait until you get to your road and turn right, crossing all five lanes at the same time. Weird and frightening…I’ve learned to not watch, and this approach has been much better for my blood pressure! Today started very early with a visit to Xianyang Social Welfare Institute, better known as Ruthie’s home for the first 21 months of her life. The pit in my stomach that accompanied me everywhere at the beginning of the week had returned. I felt like I needed to see where she had been, especially since I was being granted a special trip, but I was so worried that it would set Ruthie back. The thought that she might cry and want to stay with her friends and nanny really bothered me. We asked for prayer that this time would not be traumatic for Ruthie, her nanny, or us. Our prayers were answered. As soon as we arrived, the orphanage director came out and reached for Ruthie…she didn’t want to go to her, but I let the lady hold her. She continued to whimper, so I finally took her back. We were only allowed to see the two rooms that Ruthie was in, and I got to visit with some of the other children who are still there waiting on their forever families. It was a precious time for me, one that I will always be grateful that I had. All the little children waved and blew kisses to me as I left. So sweet. Ruthie’s nanny did visit with her and rubbed her face, but she didn’t cry today and Ruthie really wanted nothing to do with her. When we were leaving, I again told her thank you for all that she has done for Ruthie, and she said, “ you’re welcome, and God bless you.” To know that my daughter has already heard about Jesus in China warms my heart. In fact, they were playing a video in her room where American children were singing “I’ve got the Joy, Joy, Joy, Joy Down in My Heart,” and some of the children were clapping along. Precious. Once leaving Xianyang, which by the way was a very small city that was obviously poor and dirty, we went to a tour of the Xian City Wall. The Wall was built over 600 years ago as a fortress or protection for the city. The Wall is 14km all the way around with very intricate stone work and architecture on the four gates. It was a very interesting tour, and we were so happy to get to actually walk on the top of the city wall. After the wall tour, Fay took us to McDonald's again!!! WoooHoooo!! Ruthie was actually awake for this trip, and she is officially an American!!! She inhaled a cheeseburger and fries!! We are now back at the hotel waiting on our laundry to come back from the restaurant. Caryn called this morning to get housekeeping to come pick up our clothes to be done, and they brought her some toilet paper. I guess since we have had to call housekeeping everyday for more, they saw our room number come up on the phone and immediately thought…take the Americans some more TP! We will be packing up tonight as we get ready to head to Guangzhou tomorrow. Please pray for an easy flight for Ruthie. This will be our dry run for the 13 hour flight. I am sure I will have mixed emotions as I leave this province with Ruthie. This is her home country and the place that gave her to me. I will forever love Xian, China for its rich culture and for being a part of who Ruthie is and in turn now a forever part of me too. Goodnight from China. Next post from Guangzhou!! Angie   Got Milk?     Mohawk Baby   I could watch her sleep for hours...oh wait, I have!     Old orphanage building that is now a school for the older children     Front Door of Orphanage   Ruthie and her Nanny     Ruthie's room with her friends waving goodbye to us     On the city wall with the East Gate behind us     City wall and tower. There is a watch tower every 120 meters.     My first Micky Dee's!!!!         This page hosted by